Getting Over the Psychopath: Cultivating Indifference

Today I’ll keep my post short and sweet: the best antidote for the pain a psychopath has caused you is indifference. This attitude takes awhile to cultivate, but believe me, it does come. It comes after you accept the fact that a psychopath’s virtues are an illusion and that at core he’s an utterly insignificant and trivial human being.

Since all psychopaths are extreme narcissists–even though they may sometimes feign modesty–they consider themselves to be brilliant, gorgeous, clever, accomplished, superior to others and, overall, extremely important. In fact, they latch on to others and victimize them only to assert their false sense of superiority. If you’ve been involved with a psychopath for any substantial period of time, you probably first shared the illusion that the psychopath had all the qualities he claimed to have: by lying, piggy-backing on the accomplishments and hard work of others and greatly exaggerating his own accomplishments and virtues.

Then, once his mask of sanity shattered and you realized that you’ve been conned–be it emotionally, physically, financially or all of the above–you’ve probably experienced a deep sense of betrayal and anger. These negative emotions are perfectly normal under the circumstances. In fact, to overcome the psychopathic bond, you must allow yourself to feel them. During this middle stage, you probably oscillated between negative emotions and positive (but illusory) memories, which were created during the “romantic,” luring phase of the psychopathic bond, when he deluged you with compliments and gifts.

Most of the pain experienced by victims of psychopathic seduction comes precisely from the contrast–or vast difference–between the fake image (the luring phase) and the dismal true reality (after the psychopath reveals himself to be an evil human being). You may feel used, betrayed, extremely hurt, yet still, sometimes, in spite of yourself, wish to cling to some of those positive memories as “real.” Unfortunately, even the good times you shared with the psychopath weren’t real in any meaningful sense of the term. They weren’t created with a person who was genuine or who is capable of loving you or anybody else. They were simply part of the ruse.

But once you accept this reality and stop clinging to any part of your past with the psychopath, you begin to experience a genuine indifference. You don’t forgive, since psychopaths don’t deserve–nor ask for–anyone’s forgiveness. You don’t forget, because this negative experience taught you how to be a stronger and better human being. But you don’t care anymore if the psychopath who plagued your life lives or dies, fails or thrives.

A psychopath is only the center of his own world. He wants to get others to believe that he has qualities he lacks; that he’s talented and important. But the truth of the matter is that he’s not any of these things. Psychopaths, at core, are frauds and empty shells. They don’t have any talents except for very superficial ones. They aren’t capable of emotional or intellectual depth. They lack real social skills because they attach to others only in order to use and victimize them. Their life accomplishments are also parasitic.

Just think about it: why waste an ounce of your energy and life on such a trivial human being? He’s not worth it. Yes, you were fooled. But it was by a fool who shouldn’t matter to you or anybody else. Getting over a psychopath entails accepting how uninteresting and insignificant such a pathological person truly is. It means, in other words, cultivating indifference. That is the only emotion–or lack thereof–that any psychopath deserves from other human beings.

Claudia Moscovici, psychopathyawareness


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11 Comments

  1. Some pychopaths are successful from a worldly point of view. THE SEDUCER rang very true to me, but the psychopath I was involved with was a pathologist (ironic how close those words are)…and a psychopath who is good at memorizing can become a successful pathologist….and in many ways, it suits their disposition. They are not disturbed emotionally by examining crime scenes, mutilated bodies. And if in a lab, they don’t mind identifying a death sentence cancer.

    Anyway, think of the movie the Thomas Crown Affair….he was successful, a thrill seeker, and loved pulling one over on the public in the art gallery. He also (in the second version) loved watching his girlfriend crying in the plane….he planned for it all to hurt her. He also made love in a dominating way, throwing her over his shoulder first, etc. Ironically, the psychopath I was involved in did that move and it felt scripted to me. Later I found out his favorite movie was the Thomas Crown Affair. I rented it and when I saw the scene in the movie, I realized he had copied it. He copied much in his life.

    From outward appearances, he looks like a success. He married wealth too, of course! And cheats on her, with a sad story that I now know is a bunch of distortions and lies. But one thing he told the truth about ….his emptiness inside. His boredom. His on and off depression. The meaninglessness of his life. But being a mega millionaire, most will always envy him. Ironically, he himself is full of envy.

  2. Arlene, I agree that some psychopaths are successful from a worldly point of view,
    although most sabotage their own lives because of their pursuit of
    frivolous or nefarious goals and lack of scruples. Of course, sometimes being unscrupulous/unsuccessful
    as a person and making a lot of money goes well together. It’s definitely not mutually exclusive.

  3. Some pychopaths are successful from a worldly point of view. THE SEDUCER rang very true to me, but the psychopath I was involved with was a pathologist (ironic how close those words are)…and a psychopath who is good at memorizing can become a successful pathologist….and in many ways, it suits their disposition. They are not disturbed emotionally by examining crime scenes, mutilated bodies. And if in a lab, they don’t mind identifying a death sentence cancer.

    Anyway, think of the movie the Thomas Crown Affair….he was successful, a thrill seeker, and loved pulling one over on the public in the art gallery. He also (in the second version) loved watching his girlfriend crying in the jet….he planned for it all to hurt her. He also made love in a dominating way, throwing her over his shoulder first, etc. Ironically, the psychopath I was involved in did that move and it felt scripted to me. Later I found out his favorite movie was the Thomas Crown Affair. I rented it and when I saw the scene in the movie, I realized he had copied it. He copied much in his life.

    From outward appearances, he looks like a success. He married wealth too, of course! And cheats on her, feeding the “other woman” a sad story that I now know is a bunch of distortions and lies. But one thing he told the truth about ….his emptiness inside. His boredom. His on and off depression. The meaninglessness of his life. But being a mega millionaire, most will always envy him. Ironically, he himself is full of envy.

    Again, thank you for your courage in writing The Seducer. I couldn’t stop reading it, despite all my work deadlines, and it was so validating for me. You really pegged the psychopath’s distorted thinking, and how you can’t win with these guys in any verbal argument. Your point ,made somewhere on your blog, that they use words as an instrument or tool to achieve their objectives, rather than a means of communicating, is so insightful and key.

  4. Thank you so much for what you say about The Seducer. I found that what can be said through
    nonfiction is different than the feelings you can express through fiction. Being a victim
    of psychopathic seduction is, above all, about a psychopath manipulating your feelings
    and the emotional (and practical) implications of that ruse. I enjoyed watching The Thomas
    Crown Affair too and thought, like you, that the happy ending at the end wasn’t all that happy, given
    his game-like and risk taking behavior.

  5. There is one website called playerblock.com that allows users to report “players” via their name and their cell phone numbers, the logic being that many of these sociopaths rely on texting and the internet for their “narcissistic supply”. Although some of the reports are little more than angry rants, there are enough users reporting details of their experiences with sociopaths and other predatory narcissists that it could be a valuable tool for someone investigating a “gut feeling” or intuition they are having about the relationship they are in with one of these damaged human beings. In that sense it could serve as a tool to help people to check out their intuitions and “weird feelings” in order to save themselves further victimization from narcissistic fraud. A tool like this could be incredibly useful because one of the hallmarks of the sociopath is pattern of “idealize, devalue, then discard”, so they tend to repeat their emotional fraud over and over on different people, leaving behind a trail of massacred relationships.

  6. [...] Getting Over the Psychopath: Cultivating Indifference    Here [...]

  7. I feel so angry at having being used and made an idiot of for almost three years. This at a time in my life when every year is so precious (im in my early fifties).
    This psychopath (I know what he is now) ‘premeditavily’planned to use me and this is why my blood pressure is through the roof. It’s the ‘premeditative’ nature of the ‘crime’ that deems the deeds to be ‘evil’. And so I get angry when people say “Oh there are so many men out there who are like that, – you just have to move on”
    I know I have to move on but i sincerely believe the crime is far too serious to go un punished. I dont think there can be many men like the one I gave 3 precious years to. I also refuse to take the blame for being fooled by a manipulative ‘genius’. I do regret not listening to my ‘gut’ earlier.
    What Im saying really is that the law needs to look to these people as very serious criminals. If somebody stole my purse they can be punished but if somebody steals my soul they can go unpunished. It would take up a novel to explain how he has lived his life and all of the ways he tricked me. i have been doing my own investigations into his past and also his behavior since dumping me but pretending to everybody thet i dumped him ( to gain pity from women ). He has made fools of so many women (I since learned) and one poor woman even died. i blame her ilness and death at the age of 44 on him. I myself had two surgeries last year – all caused by extreme stress. From a confident, talented, attractive and smiling happy woman – he destroyed me. Im battling to get myself back but came very close to suicide on a few occasions.
    Now he has caught his new prey – a woman 30 years his junior with a young daughter. In my investigations I actually watched him prey on her last year.He had his new woman/women in place before dumping me. Thats how he has operated for four decades and gone unpunished because its not regarded as a crime. He has left three families (that we know of!) in a callous cruel way that only a psychopath could. He has never been violent as far as I know. So there are no physical ‘marks’. And so it seems therefore, there is no crime.
    If this behavior is not criminal then nothing is. We need to fight to criminalise this behavior because it is such a serious ‘crime’? People are being left for dead literally by psychopaths who dont actually ‘kill’ the body but do ‘kill’ the soul and spirit and take quality of life away. I dont know if I will ever be the same person i was but he is skipping around merrily having ‘fun’ with his new woman. He used to have women in the house we were renting whenever i was away to see my son and she was one of them.
    Im left trying to pick up the pieces of my life and every day is a struggle to stay alive.
    Tricia

  8. Tricia, I’m glad you got away from the psychopath. And yes, you’re absolutely right,
    psychopaths are extremely manipulative, calculated and they premeditate using and abusing people.
    People who just tell you to “move on” don’t get the nature of psychopathy and of the deliberate harm they inflict.
    I hope you’ll recover not only from your surgeries, but also emotionally from the psychopath. Now that you know
    what he is, the recovery will be easier.

  9. I forgot to say thank you for this amazing website. When I feel particularly low I just dip in here and the effects are immediate. Learning to understand what happened is what helps me. If i hadnt found out about psychopathy I would be still blaming myself.I’ve checked out lots of sites but I find this is the most comprehensive and clear site on the subject.
    My one worry is not getting the message to the next woman . If i saw somebody about to jump into a river where an aligator lay in wait I would warn the person. It is not encouraged to warn anybody. Apparently this is because we might be regarded as mad but does that matter? Surely other women should be warned. Do you have any ideas for doing it. i thought of posting a letter in her door while he’s away or calling on her but everybody says no?
    Tricia

  10. Tricia, thanks so much for your nice words about my website. I’m so glad that it’s helping you and others.
    That’s why I started it, to help as many people targeted by psychopaths and narcissists as possible.
    Information is empowerment because psychopathy and narcissism aren’t just clinical labels: they indicate the
    symptoms of severe personality disorders that make some people inhumane and even inhuman.
    I plan to address your question about telling other victims in a later post. My brief advice to you is to be very careful.
    Psychopaths are great manipulators and liars, as you know. He’s likely to explain his behavior to the next women
    through lies, and he’ll depict you as the crazy ex. Almost all psychopaths do that, particularly if you try to unmask them.
    And some of the women they choose are disordered as well, so don’t assume that all of his victims are like you.
    Exercise caution in informing the next victims and do it only if you believe your words can have a positive effect and save
    a woman who is strong enough to face the truth and wants to be saved.


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