Why Go NO CONTACT With The Psychopath

Nearly every expert on psychopathy advises former victims, if at all possible, to break all contact with the psychopath. What does NO CONTACT mean? It means:

1. NO DIRECT, or active, communication with the psychopath: be it in the form of emails, letters, phone calls, texting, Facebook posts, or seeing him in person.

2. It also means NO INDIRECT, or passive, communication either: don’t read his emails, don’t look at his Facebook, don’t read his texts, don’t seek or listen to information about him through any intermediaries, don’t google him to find out what he’s up to lately.

Why go NO CONTACT? There are plenty of great reasons for that. Here are some of them:

1. Any contact with a psychopath can make you prone to his manipulation and control over you.

2. Any contact with a psychopath can put your well-being, and even safety, in danger.

3. Any contact with a psychopath will keep the wounds from the relationship raw and the pain still fresh and intense.

4. Any contact with a psychopath will keep you obsessing about him and your past together.

5. Any contact with a psychopath will introduce doubts in your mind, so that you’re second-guessing yourself and your past behavior.

6. Any contact with a psychopath will, therefore, entrap you in a dangerous relationship with a fundamentally bad human being.

The difference between taking three months or three years to heal from the psychopathic bond–and, sometimes, the difference between life and death–depends in large part upon implementing this NO CONTACT rule. The only way to heal from the harm inflicted by the psychopath is to go NO CONTACT with him or her for life: particularly if you don’t share custody of kids or have any legal reason to see, hear or read about that toxic person ever again.

Claudia Moscovici, psychopathyawareness


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11 Comments

  1. A psychiatrist I went to see (my first visit ever to one!) told me “Any further contact with this guy, positive or negative, is very dangerous for you.” I told that to the “guy” and he just greatly intensified his efforts to lure me back in. How I wish I had listened to that psychiatrist. I thought there was nothing worse, no greater pain this guy could cause me, but I was very, very wrong. And the psychiatrist was very, very right. No contact is the only way to go, if at all possible.

  2. I am trying to go no contact at the moment. The problem is he lives close by so is very difficult not to see him. The pain at the moment is unbearable. I actually feel depressed but know that I must continue with no contact if I want to heal from this toxic relationship.

  3. I totally agree with no contact. I married a psychopath and we were together for 18 months. No contact is difficult when you have matters such as taxes to figure out, but I will finally be able to file for divorce at the end of March. Luckily, we did not have any children.

    However, when a person has children with a psychopath (as is the case with several people in my divorce recovery group), “no contact” is very, very difficult.

    Not only can contact with the children be court ordered, the children usually very much want to see their other parent. I would love to see some tips for how to handle this. I have not seen anything “out there” that gives guidance to parents. It is a very difficult situation especially when the psychopath uses the children to manipulate and control. And certainly, it is confusing and painful to the children.

    The legal system is not equipped to handle these situations and often gives benefit of the doubt to the psychopathic parent.

    A social worker I know suggesting asking the court for a Parenting Capacity Psychological Assessment. The healthy parent can also agree to it as well. http://www.theforensicexaminer.com/archive/spring09/20/

    I know that losing one parent (i.e. not being allowed to see a parent) can potentially be devastating for a child, but I also think that the potential damage that can be done to that child by interaction with a psychopath can be even worse.

    If you have children with a psychopath, PLEASE get your children and yourself in counseling to help manage the situation.

  4. Katie, thanks for this helpful link. Yes, it’s most difficult to disengage from a psychopath when you share custody of the child or children. Even in those cases, however, as you point out, it’s best to get full custody if at all possible. The damage done by a psychopath is far greater than the damage of not seeing one’s psychopathic parent.

  5. No contact is, without a doubt, the only way to go when dealing with psychopaths. I was in a relationship with one for eight years (dating for four, married for four). Our divorce was final last year, and I haven’t seen/spoken to him since. It took some time for me to realize that any amount of contact (even something as simple as a text message) sent me into a anxiety-filled frenzy. He was/is a manipulative person, and having any kind of relationship with him would just place doubts in my mind…which is why I chose to have ZERO contact. Luckily, we never had children in the four years we were married…I can’t imagine how my life would’ve been if we did.

    A few suggestions I would make to anyone looking to break ties with this type of person are…1)Change your phone number ASAP, and DO NOT give it out to anyone who may share it with the psychopath. Make the last part crystal clear to people. 2) Block the individual from Facebook or e-mail. Again, even simple means of communication can trap you in a never ending cycle with this person…don’t let it happen!

    Remember – psychopaths are toxic people. The only way to heal is to completely remove yourself from their destructive path of manipulation. As someone who has survived this, let me reassure you that it is very, very possible to do.

  6. Becca, I’m so glad that you were able to pull away from your psychopath for good.
    The only route is the one you chose: ZERO contact of any kind. Thank you for sharing this.

  7. Tooscared, You are right to be on your guard, given your ex’s sexually violent behavior and current stalking.
    Do everything you possibly can legally to protect yourself and your child from him. Document every incident of stalking, and inform
    the police every time. Stalking is something that can only be proved by a pattern, so make sure you record his pattern.
    It is harder if there are children involved for so many reasons, you’re right. However, it’s in no child’s interest to have a psychopathic
    parent. So try to get sole custody. It would be best if you could (legally) keep this psychopath away from your entire family.

  8. I don’t know how far you might get with this, but passing it along as FYI juat in case. Keep copies of everything, including IM’s and texts and also take extensive notes. And you’re correct, do not respond.

    http://www.justice.gov/criminal/cybercrime/reporting.htm

    I saw it suggested on another site about this topic.

  9. Katie,
    Thank you so much for your post. I was with a man who now I believe to be a psychopath for 4 years, we have a lovely small son together. My problem is I am a foreigner here in his country and so he is subjecting me to further abuse with the legal system to obtain custody of our son, so he can exercise further power.
    I don’t want to deny our son contact to his father but I know I can’t have contact with him because he is like a leach, once he starts he doesn’t stop. It is extremely difficult to be able to be strong and neutral when I see him, because the other thing is psychopaths know exactly how to push your buttons and make you melt or get mad. Any tips anyone can give me would be greatly appreciated.
    Thanks

  10. Katie, thank you for this helpful link. Claudia


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