Moving On: Life After the Psychopath

Most of my posts have been about how to identify psychopathic traits and patterns of behavior and about understanding what drew the psychopath to you–and you to him–originally. I have also written several posts emphasizing the importance of no contact of any kind, passive or active, in being able to recover from the toxic relationship. But let’s say you now can recognize the features of psychopathy and narcissism. You are maintaining no contact. Yet you still ruminate obsessively about the relationship and you still feel trapped, somehow, inside of it. What do you do then?

My answer may sound somewhat circular: you’ve got to do everything possible to move on with the rest of your life. Fill your life with interests and activities other than thinking about the psychopathic ex. Focus on the relationships with people in your life who genuinely care about you and support you. Make new, genuine, friends. Find renewed energy in your job or in life goals, even those you might have given up on during the toxic relationship. Coming to terms with the truth about the psychopath and your relationship with him is essential to being able to let go of that person and your past together. But staying trapped in your past and ruminating endlessly about it–at the expense of other relationships or life goals–can become just another prison.

It can also foster negative personality traits that you may not wish to have, like paranoia or extreme distrust of all other human beings. In my last post, the review of Robert Conquest’s book on Stalin, I alluded to the atmosphere of mutual distrust cultivated under by a totalitarian dictatorship, where people started accusing family members and friends of deviationism–or of being traitors to the communist society and principles–and turning against each other. This phenomenon can happen anytime and anywhere, even if it’s more acute in dictatorships led by psychopathic tyrants.

Yes, it’s important to be cautious. Yes, it’s important to be aware of red flags in new relationships, or even older ones. Yes, it’s important to be aware of the signs of personality disorders. Yes, it’s important to cut off pathological individuals from your life. But what you want to avoid is you, yourself becoming pathological and living in an atmosphere of paranoia, pointing fingers at others left and right, and becoming consumed by the underlying hatred and distrust that characterized your relationship with the psychopath.

Moving on means, as Aristotle and other Greek philosophers urged, leading a well-rounded life. It means finding support and information about what you’ve gone through, both here and elsewhere, without neglecting all the other aspects of your life–family, friends, job, goals, exercise, enjoyment–that can free you from your painful past and help you escape the mental prison in order to live again.

Claudia Moscovici, psychopathyawareness


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51 Comments

  1. Claudia, I particularly like the picture and the person walking away as if she was a caged bird because that is exactly how a relationship is with a psychopath. This article is RIGHT ON, the same advise my counselor told me surround yourself with healthy good people. In your personal recovery did you find the longer you are TOTALLY NO CONTACT the healing just sort of happens on its own because you have removed the pathology from your life? This is a recovery I realize where you just dont one day wake up and say, OH BOY, I am healed I am finally over it, its a slow and gradual recovery that slowly takes you back to the person you once were (more or less) I think this experience has forever changed my perception of others, I am cautious but not to the point of thinking everyone I meet is a psychopath, of course you will meet just ordinary people that are not nice either the world is full of them but you know the red flags of this destructive disorder. I am NOT afraid to love again, I am NOT afraid to trust again and I will never close my heart off because this happened to me, that would be a crime in itself. My wound is just to freshly healed to allow myself at this time to even WANT to have a close relationship, its important to me to cultivate good friendships with those I can trust right now, I am still too bitter and hurt but I know in time that will also heal as well. I need some time to realize what happened to me and put it in its proper perspective before I can venture on to anything else. Great article, great and sound advise this is all anyone can do but as you said its very important to not let this experience taint your future perception of the world around you. Thanks Linda

  2. Linda, you sound like you are a very healthy person. You had an unhealthy experience with a psychopath, because there’s no healthy experience possible with a disordered personality. However, afterwards, if you break free and go no contact, eventually you free your mind as well because the mind forgets, both the good and the bad. I hope my blog can offer helpful information for those who have been involved with psychopaths as well as encourage them to lead better, healthier lives afterwards. Knowledge first, then healing. Claudia

  3. What does one do when the psychopath has caused you to be “listed” on an abuse registery and you are left unemployable? :( And also got my dysfunctional family to believe his lies despite the fact he was convicted and served time in state prison Ifour times) since I left. I just am so sad about not being able to work, and if I obtain a menial job, he calls the boss and I’m fired. It is really, really difficult and it’s been 23 long years since I left. (Abuse registry for another 9 years).

  4. Claudia, this is a wonderful article and quite timely as I have been wondering about this very issue a lot quite recently. I know that i have accrued much knowledge around cluster B pathology- personality construct; and the realtionship dynamics that cause great to harm to those exposed to these dynamics. In spite of this I am still left with a profound lack of closure that at times gives me a sense of stuckness. It is though i have a million and one questions for my ex, and wish for some aknowledgment around the emotional pain she elicited in me through her behaviour. I know I will never get this form of closure; the last time I attempted to do this, her response was either “I’m not interested”, or she distorted and rejigged and edited the past (gaslighting me). I recall once saying to her during one of her emotional jaunting devaluation cycles “why are you doing this to me”; her response- “what does it say about you that you let me treeat you this way”! She would always resort to just turning it into a game of one upmanship. So; in the end there can be no closure conversation with our ex disordered partners; what do we do with the unsaidness, the pain and disbelief, and the utter shock of having interfaced with their unbelievable callousness, emptiness and lack of compassion? Instead of a soul they have a great big hole. I think sometimes the answer is so obvious and in front of us we are blinded to it; the truth is there is no sense to their behaviour; they just are what they are, and do what they do- they are selfless and disordered.

  5. Michael, you seem to be so well-informed and insightful. You know that there will never be any closure for you from your ex. She has no closure to offer because she has no meaningful sense of empathy, or of right and wrong, or of truth and falsehood. The only closure you will get is from you dismissing her entirely, but not dismissing what you’ve learned about red flags, personality disorders as well as looking into yourself, to understand better what drew you to her, hooked you on the drama, etc, so that you can have much healthier relationships in the future. Claudia

  6. If the accusation of abuse (against you) is false, then I would suggest that you fight it in courts. You don’t want to have to carry throughout your life such a big stain on your record. As you state, it makes it almost impossible for you to get a job, especially in this economy. Claudia

  7. Claudia thankyou, I really appreciate you saying that. I’m a mental health nurse over in the UK; however my primary interests were axis 1 ilnesses, psychosis and depressive illness; I never really considered axis 2. In any event no training in the world can illuminate what the experience of a patholgical relationship is like. It is beyond “normal” comprehension. Ironically she works in mental health, I met her through work.
    I began researching and studying in mid 2008 when a clinical psychologist specialising in eating disorders suggested that she may be borderline / narcissistic (the vast majority of eating disorders are a symptom or are secondary to an underlying disorder. She had issues with Bulimia). I have become very interested in the damage lengthy exposure to their patholgy does; and the process of recovery. I am truly amazed at the incredible lack of insight, denial, and blindness these individuals exhibit; and yet can project what appears to be insight through their false self or mask of sanity. The fact that they are so dichotomised and are in fact walking contradictions; and yet seem so blind to this- is a little like trying to wrap your head around a gordian knot!
    I think unfortuantely like many; I was unaware that the pull / push or devaluation / idealisation dynamics are very potent in terms of bonding (betrayal bonding or intermittent reinforcement). I’m an empathic, sensitive, caring and warm kinda guy; and while these are qualitys about myself that I like; they got me into a whole heap of trouble with my high functioning, cognitively intelligent disordered ex.
    Knowing what I know now; I doubt any disordered woman would fly beneath my radar so easily. There were many red flags that with 20/20 hindsight I overlooked.

  8. Michael, no wonder you know so much about pathology, given your mental health profession background. But you’re right, no theory or background can prepare us for running into pathological individuals in real life. I think that they can fool us precisely because of their lack of normal empathy. Without any caring and compassion, one can pretend so much more easily to be whomever one wants to be and do whatever one wants to do to exploit others. Claudia

  9. Claudia, I quite agree. Their immediate needs, desires, wishes in the moment far outweigh any capacity for considering the emotional / psychological consequences of their BS. The propensity for interpersonal exploitation, a lack of emapthy, impulsivity, pathological lying, not to mention their narcissism and superficial fleeting emotional eraticness- all adds together for a highly toxic brew!!!
    NASA’s finest minds could not come up with a recipe that has the ability to mind screw and tie someones heart up in knots as the cluster b brigade.

  10. Michael, you have a very eloquent and witty way of putting it. I like “the Cluster b brigade” term, but wouldn’t want to join it:). Claudia

  11. Thank you, Claudia. I had a lawyer who ditched the abuse registery attempt because she didn’t understand the process (it is administrative, not through the courts). When I figure out what to do on my own, I will do the paperwork and represent myself before an administrative law judge.

  12. Mommy, I don’t know how the system works, but you’re right to do what you can to clear your name of a false charge. Claudia

  13. My friend Claudia and every new person here. For me, they will never give us closure, because they are only into themselves. It doesn’t matter to them that we have hearts and feelings. So for me moving on is to acknowlege in my heart when “Enough is Enough”, when it “Doesn’t matter Anymore.” Recognizing that I gave my best and he/she didn’t want it and could’nt accept the real a real person. He/she didn’t know how to take care of it. It’s sad but they are empty of any normal human emotions and feelings..

    Detach, erase, delete, ignore and get Me back….

  14. Donna, yes, that is the truth about psychopathy. It’s the disorder of emptiness, of lack of genuine feelings. That’s why, as you state, detachment from the psychopath and your past together is so necessary. Claudia

  15. Claudia, I am just so angry right now, I have been crying all day long. I don’t let people get in easy and this fool got in. Donna

  16. Donna,

    During those moments when you reproach your self for letting him in; Try to remember that you are not to blame for his conceit, self absorption, shallowness, and above all emptiness. If indeed you have had the experience of living through a relationship with a personality disordered cluster B person; then you will be left feeling like you have been betrayed at the most deepest of levels. I believe that truly comming to terms with their emptiness is one signpost to recovery.

    This is a difficult process to say the least. These individuals rape our hearts and souls. But inadvertantly; they remind us what having a heart and soul means.

  17. Thank you Michael for your very kind words. I know that I am a good woman with a loving and caring heart. He preyed on my goodness in a very deceitful way. However, he didn’t destroy me like so many others that have been used and abused by these sick people. My many scares have protected me. Yes, betrayal and disrespect hurts and since they don’t understand that, their the one’s who souls will burn. I totally believe that “God don’t like Ugly”!!! I had already been physically raped many years ago, so that’s one thing he couldn’t do without a fight back from me. I can still say that I have my self-respect, my precious womanhood and my heart in tack, it’s brused but not broken.

    Michael, I truly hope you are healing also. I just refuse to give this sick man anymore power over me, I refuse to listen to his lies ever again. He can keep doing what he does but not at my expense. I am still in the pursuit of my happiness…….and another sick monkey don’t stop the show. If I never find my male partner I will still be OK……. They truly are the scum of the earth and I believe someone will bring them down one day.

    Please Mr. Michael take care of yourself. Hugs from, Donna

  18. It’s been almost two years for me and I STILL have trouble with anger and obsessive thinking even after tons of therapy and reading all the books and blogs. And then at times I can’t believe how much trauma I endured and how long it is taking me to get over it and become myself again. I am now working on just accepting what thoughts I have and gently redirecting them – not so easy – but acceptance of them seems to be key. That and giving myself pats on the back and self-care. (Crazy how nasty we can be to ourselves when it comes down to it.) The other thing that really helps me is what my therapist keeps saying: “It’s a big world and there are lots of other people out there.” Again though, this recovery is not so easy.

  19. Sam, I think that obsessing exclusively about psychopathy can be almost as dangerous as ignorance about this personality disorder. Ignorance is dangerous, obviously, because you don’t know you’re dealing with a pathological person incapable of love who aims to harm you and your loved ones. But obsessing exclusively about psychopathy, as I mentioned in the post on Moving On, can generate feelings of depression, anxiety and paranoia. In other words, it can extend the period of PTSD which almost everyone suffers from during and shortly after a close relationship with a psychopath. That’s probably why your therapist is saying it’s a big world out there: he or she is urging you to move on. That doesn’t mean, however, not processing the experience with the sociopath at all anymore. Shoving such trauma under a rug can cause more harm than good. However, that processing needs to be a part of a fuller life, that includes family, profession, friends, etc. If you feel any of these other aspects are missing, then try to do things to fill them out. Claudia

  20. Sam, you are on the right track regarding your thoughts- it is true that if you try to repress your thoughts they will push through and become amplified; and will have a paradoxical effect.
    For example try this- What ever you do as you read this, do not think of an African elephant…..are you thinking about an African elephant yet?
    Give yourself permission to have the thoughts your having and let them and the feelings they elicit to wash over you.
    recovery from a pathological relationship can be a lenghthy process; and I have given much thought to why this is.
    Throughout the process of idealisation and seduction, to the increasing episodes of devaluation, gaslighting, betrayal bonding, and the final discard in all its emotional brutality; our loving souls finally came face to face and interfaced and kissed the loveless, lack of compassion, and cold empty baroness…a cruelty that shocks us to the core and undermines all of our core beliefs around the nature of people (the disordered). Our souls have been raped. You will eventually and slowly move away from obsessing; we struggle to accept and embrace the realisation of how our hearts could have been so violated by someone we loved and believed our feelings were reciprocated. What we seek is validation; and sites like this one provide that validation and knowledge that we need to arrive at a place of acceptance that bring us to an epiphany and a new beginning.
    Keep holding on and trust that your heart will lead you out of the darkness that your disordered ex took you too. It is their darkness, not ours.

  21. Michael,

    I’m curious, if you don’t mind sharing, what the red flags were that you saw and felt you ignored? I’m curious about the female aspects to a pathological as I recently had an experience with one.
    Also, i understand what you’re saying about closure. I think that’s the hardest part to attain because it has to be done on our own and with the knowledge and understanding of Psychopaths. what I do’t understand now, is that with as many seem to be out there, why the hell there is not more education and help for others out there, either to prevent this experience or to recover from it? Claudia, any insights on this? Even with the Casey Anthony case, and the armchair psychotherapists, they come close, but also seem ill informed.

  22. Michael,

    That was beautifully worded!

    Sam, claudia is right on too. I think I understand what she means.

    I’m eight months out now. I think one of the things that is so frustrating is NOT being able to speak about it to ANYONE around me except perhaps a good therapist, for which I have yet to find and here in type. I am blessed that I have found a few new friends who have had the same experience, but all of their processes and stages are different. I don’t believe there is a right or wrong way to heal from this. What hurts you, HURTS you and being able to feel the feeling fully is what helps peel another layer of pain. If you’re motivated, you’ll get there. I must say that a lack of really good, loving support makes the healing so much more difficult. Despite feeling maybe a bit paranoid about human relationships, I still want to share connections again with others, in healthy ways. I don’t need anymore pathologicals in my life but that means risking my heart and being cautious, paying attention to red flags that erupt. You’ll get there, I believe that, just because you want too so much. All it takes is a desire to learn and a willingness to walk through pain, no matter how long it takes.

  23. Kelli, re red flags that i missed early on; when I first contacted her after our first date, the first words out of her mouth were “oh thank god its you”. I can recall thinking wow shes so into me- knowing what i know now, I recognise this as idealisation. 3-4 months in she began asking me what my intensions were and she didnt intend on living on her own until her son reached “16”. If I mentioned a band or a performer; she would organise tickets. 7 months in- we went to Amsterdam and she asked me if I would sleep with a prostitute while she watched and she offered to pay!!! There was the odd little moment of vitriolic put downs that she either later denied or rationalised her nehaviour that always in a subtle way shifted the blame to someone else.
    In an ambient and subliminal type way I could not put my finger on a niggling sense of something being missing about her. She was very high functioning and intelligent, and her false self was well constructed. However like all cluster B’s, in the context of emotional intimacy, there is no substance, or fluidity, or genuineness (congruence); those little spontaneous moments of shared warmth and empathic connection that underpin and weave together to form a real connection and bond. Does that make sense?
    The more intelligent they are; the better they are at cognitively constructing their manipulative self serving strategies, and more effectively mask their inherent fragmented, empty, and unfeeling selves.

  24. Claudia I remember so well sitting with my counselor and I asked him Please be honest with me so I know what to expect, “Can I recover from this horrible experience that happened to me?” He said, ABSOLUTELY, 100% you can recover from this and you WILL recover from this and one day it wont hurt anymore” BUT you will never recover if there is ANY contact and you dont COMPLETELY cut him off from your life you can never be friends and you can never meet him for lunch even years from now.

    Its difficult for me to process that I will NEVER see this man ever again as long as I live, this man that once represented the answer to my prayers and dreams and here is the catch Claudia, I dont think I will ever ever recover from knowing what it feels like to finally meet your soul mate, even though he was faking everything I carry with me everyday what it feels like to have found someone that was everything I ever wanted, how do I forget what that felt like? Do I have a false perception and live in a fantasy pretend land of how love feels when you have met the right person, has this experience tainted and destroyed what I once believed in? THis psychopath faked his love for me and mirrored everything he knew I wanted is it possible by doing that he damaged my perceptions and desires of what love is? I feel I will never ever have that connection with anyone EVER again, I can search the world over and nothing will ever feel like this did. However, since he mirrored off me it was really myself that I was falling in love with in a sense. As I think about this its really impossible to fall in love with them because they have no real personality, they are frauds and fake to everyone they interact with because they have no real character of make up of their own. In the future if I try to compare love to what I felt for this person I guess I will have to remember this was a toxic and sick relationship even in those early idolizing days I was not really loving the REAL HIM because there is not a REAL HIM, can you following with what I am trying to convey? I catch myself saying how deeply I loved him but what did I fall in love with? How does one recover from deeply loving an illusion? x0x0 Thanks Claudia Linda

  25. Linda, I think with time the memories of the illusion of love with the psychopaths fade and the reality of his evil will become more real, but also more abstract. By this I mean that it won’t touch you emotionally as it does now. You will know that he’s evil, but you’ll also feel that he’s a trivial human being. It takes time to get to that point, and you have to go through the process of mourning the illusion first, which is what you’re doing now. That part is very painful, but it won’t last forever. As Kelli says, you will trust again, but you’ll also be able to spot red flags better because of this experience. It’s made you ultimately stronger Linda. Just hang on through the painful mourning stage. Claudia

  26. Oh Linda, I can so relate to every word you wrote. This (fake) sick man was everything I ever wanted in my mate. He was so smart and he felt like my equal on so many levels (my soul mate). I understand now that it was all a fanasty an illusion and never meant to be, but it still hurts. He made it feel like I was a real woman again. I know that somewhere he is laughing at me and ever other women that fell for his charming ways. I think it feels worse because I am older and at this stage of my life there aren’t many more years and men for me to meet. (Reality Check). I truly don’t regret hooking up with him, but I also know that true love doesn’t hurt and there is nothing true about him. I keep asking myself “Why me”.

    If he did come back I know I must run………

  27. Donna, why you? Because you are kind, have a heart and because he sensed vulnerability in you–a need for love and companionship–something he can sink his claws into. Claudia

  28. Donna, I too am at that age time is against me, however his days are ALSO narrowing down he is 56 if there is ONE thing they will never be able to control or charm their way out of is the natural process of time and age. Furthermore Donna dont you think there are men out there at our age who ALSO are in need of a good relationship and/or partner to share their life with? Of course there are, my neighbor whose husband passed away is 64 years old and she just remarried and could not be happier. Love is not just for the young my friend, as we get older our needs change as we realize what the most important things are in a healthy relationship. As I look back at my psychopath I know what the most important thing in his life was that he STILL searches for perverted sexual encounters, COME ON NOW, are you serious 56 years old like some dirty old man (as many young would view him as) constantly talking about masturbating, ejaculation, body parts, calling me up asking me to talk dirty to him so he can get off on the phone…… he told me once that when I called him a picture of a woman spread eagle shows up on this phone, he set it up that way, are you serious? He acts like some boy gong through puberty – calling me up and asking me if I masturbated recently thinking about him – ah.. no.. cant say that I have too busy watering my garden. He is the type of man that I can see hiding behind some bushes playing with himself as he watches two animals mate. UGH and ISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    In his mind he has the best of both worlds, he has a little woman, I mean “dupe” he comes home to every night and his secret life is being a sexual predator on the side to feed his perversions. But enough said about THEM what about us Donna?

    I am 53 and still a very attractive woman as I am sure you are as well!!!! I DO NOT like being referred to as a “cougar, panther, or puma when young men refer to me this way I want to say to them, and you are the great white hunter eh, in search of beautiful game you can mount on your wall or over the table, ha ha I had never experienced more intense or passionate sex as I did with my x psycho partner I am not a nympho (as he tried to turn me into) but I ask myself at my age will I ever find that kind of passion again? OF COURSE I CAN but with a healthy person not some disordered sex addict who has no conscience and who degrades my body parts and refers to them with vile terminology, someone who can tell me my breasts are beautiful, NOT ” your tits are hot” or someone that can tell me how wonderful it felt to be with you vs. “you are one hot piece of ass” gee thanks that made me feel special like the prostitute on the street corner.

    Donna I believe its finding a balance of what matters most in your life and finding things in your life that bring you joy and contentment, with or without a partner. The example I used above states that I will not whore myself out to ANY man just for the sake of having sex or because I feel lonely some women can do that I just cant!!! I guess I really should not even say the word whore just because a woman has sex doesnt mean she is a whore but I was referring to being with the x psycho who made me feel like a whore, I also have a huge wall around me when it comes to just men in general who view women for just sex, this is normal and not every man who wants to bed a beautiful woman is a psychopath. I have to be careful to not jump to that conclusion or stereotype. You will always have your average jerks and players but not anything close to what we encountered. We had the KING of abusers!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I struggle to find that balance I am referring to. Having freshly survived an encounter with a severely disordered individual I am still disoriented and confused as to what I want, I know what I DONT want and I know NOW that I have always deserved so much better than what the psychopath could have given me, living with him or in any other way. This experience has literally killed and destroyed everything I once believed in. I was once normal and believed in love and everything wonderful that comes with it, now at times I dont know what to believe in anymore oxoxo Linda

  29. Claudia: I ask myself that too just as Donna does “WHY ME?” why did this have to happen to me. I can think of much better things that could make me stronger than this experience, although it seems its the painful things that happen to us in life that can only make us stronger. Sometimes even now when I see a message from him every so often I think ewww maybe he will be different and I listen to it and its the same sick crap and I delete it and say, yep still a psychopath and will never see me or anyone as a healthy person would, I have come far in mourning the illusion just last month he threw up in my face and asked why I make excuses not to see him anymore and I simply told him the truth I said it was too painful for me to see him of course he said it was painful for him NOT to see ME, that I was the most beautiful woman he had ever been with and he missed me terribly – ya right thats why you are living your life with someone else, because it pains you so to be without me, what an actor and what a liar run along now and go DUPE someone else, go make your calls to your other women you string along on the side and tell them how beautiful they are as well. I dont play seconds, thirds, fourths or 20ths to any man. I will be NUMBER ONE and I will be treated as number one or I wont be in your life. You will never have the capacity to do that so you will never have me in your life ever again.

    I have ripped his mask off and have seen him for what he is and I am not sticking around for the final discard, I will discard YOU and years from now I will not be recycled like aluminum because you crave the fresh, sweet supply I could give you for a night, a week or month – I wish I could tell him all this but I will tell YOU Claudia and all the members on this forum – I am telling strangers who care more about me than this man ever could or would and that is really sad. I shared my heart, love and body with this man and he could care less if I lived or died he would just scratch me off his recycle list and say “thats a shame she was such a hot piece of ass too” x0x0 linda

  30. Linda, the fact that you value yourself–and won’t put up with being part of a disordered man harem of women–is what saved you. It’s called self-respect. The fact you have boundaries and you demand to be treated fairly and well in a relationship is what protected you from becoming, essentially, a love/sex slave for a psychopath. Because slavery doesn’t have to indicate physical constraints. So many people are enslaved by pathological dominance bonds with narcissistic personalities. Only a lot of them don’t realize it because the chains that hold them aren’t made of metal. They are mental and emotional chains made up of manipulation and deceit. Claudia

  31. Linda, I am in agreement with you on so many points. I have learned to only sit on my pity pot for a little while, then I get off and move on.
    At 62 I am actually in better shape then I was three years ago. I have even turned a head or two my way. He is 61 and you are right he can’t charm his way past Mother Nature and Father Time. In many cases he was very honest with me, because he made me his confidanta. Here is his list, depression, insomnia, chronic low back pain, impotent, eye problems, obesity, shortness of breath, some type of brain disorder (where he loses focus), early signs of senility, arthritis, gastrointestinal problems, bronchitis 4 times per year, food allergies and many phobias and fears. His biggest lies were about OW. They are all liabilities not assests to him. And I told him from day one I don’t share my man and that I am a one man woman. “Take it or Leave it”. In many ways I won…I had to learn to be “My own Best Advocate” many years ago. I also told him he take back the good he did do for me.

    What he doesn’t know about me is that I am resilient and I don’t give up. If he is having sex it’s probably virtual on skype with his current woman. I do know that I am a good woman that he can’t dominate me. He didn’t get my money, property only my heart. I am defintely getting my balance back and he will always be out of balance because he has to juggle so many people in his life.

    He will probably die a very lonely soul, by his own design and making. Hugs, Donna

  32. Donna, He sounds like a real winner! Claudia

  33. Claudia thanks for the encouraging words, It was interesting that you described his intent for me as “being some psychopaths sex slave” and isnt that just soooooooooooooooooooo very sick when you really think about it? This man put all this energy, planning and calculating and brainwashing in me with the hope that one day I would eventually succumb to what he wanted to use me for. This is PURE EVIL to take a trusting good and kind woman who wanted nothing more than to be loved pretend he loved her ONLY to use her for his perversion and pimp me out to others. He was nothing more than a pimp, he tested me saw great potential knowing how deeply I loved him and figured I would do anything to please him eventually. His little plan didnt work with me, as I am sure he has had many failures with other women as well….. His sick game must work with some or he would not have tried this approach and con he did with me, so its probably worked with some of his victims. This is an extremely sick man and his evil is very very real to me. I want you to know that these past few months I have even become repulsed and sickened by his charm, its almost creepy and frightening to me because its so FAKE and I know the true evil intent behind the facade.

    I dont think I mourn the illusion as much as I mourn the four years that was taken from my life, and then add another year on to that to heal and get myself back on the healthy track of living again. I mourn the fact I literally DIED for four years and now that I have come back to life I realize I can never ever get those years back that he took from me. I feel justice would be served if I could lock him in a room for the same amount of time he had me locked in his sick pathology, to let him suffer and be tortured as I did. While I was crying and missing him loving him and believing a future he said we would share he was building his million dollar mansion with his dupe GF traveling the world and laughing at me for his sick amusement. Sometimes Claudia its too much to accept but what choice do I have? I can either lay down and give up or I can rise above it all – I also lost a good job at the hospital because of this bastard psycho, my PTSD was so bad I had to take a family medical leave, and eventually I was unable to concentrate at work and my work performance suffered. I lost 30 pounds and suffered a mild breakdown as my counselor described it when we finally unraveled what this man was, I remember the day so clearly when I KNEW I had been HAD I walked to my car in the parking lot of the hospital and literally fell to the ground shaking – for months I cried so hard I would throw up and I would rock myself to calm me down, the pain was so horrible I couldnt even breathe I would just grasp for air. That was the WORST, now at this stage of the aftermath the shock has subsided and my mind and heart has finally accepted what he is and what I fell victim to. I am now at a place of more peace but still not quite myself yet – the wounds are still pretty sore. I was the target/victim of a psychopath who only wanted to use me for a sex slave to feed his sickness, as he pretended to be my soul mate, this is a hard one to recover from Linda

  34. Linda, what your psychopathic ex did is TYPICAL of psychopathic sex addicts. My psychopathic ex behaved this way as well. Such sick individuals enjoy not only perversion, but also perverting others. If they only enjoyed perversion they’d be satisfied with people like them. But they want to pervert the women capable of real love and bonding because that demonstrates their power far more. Kind of like Valmont and Mme de Tourvel in the 18th century French novel whose title I use for my own book on psychopathic seduction: Dangerous Liaisons. I’d recommend to everyone here that novel and the movie, starring John Malkovich, as well. Claudia

  35. Claudia I am relieved to hear you say this is VERY TYPICAL of a psychopath sex addict. For awhile there I thought what he did to me was rather rare as I have yet to find another victim who was conned for the sole purpose of becoming just a sex slave to him. I know they are always in pursuit of new sexual partners but mine actually one time gave me 50 dollars and said go to the bar buy them some drinks and bring home a man or woman I dont care. I told him back, gee cant we just call the bar and order one? ha ha ha then I said ARE YOU FRICKING SERIOUS? I said go to the bar yourself I AM OTTA HERE, which of course he jumped up and said, baby its ok with just you and I, I love being with just you bla bla bla I mean how SICK is that Claudia to give me 50 bucks like I am some street gutter whore to service him. Right after that incident is when I had my mild mental breakdown when I got home. I have often wondered why the Bas didnt just stick with the women who are willing to do that, go pay some prostitutes for the type of sex you want – now I KNOW he wanted the thrill and challenge of corrupting a good woman – EVIL MINDS, CRIMINAL minds, hey he can be who he is whatever turns the sick freak on but DONT destroy womens lives who you KNOW are NOT immoral like that, promise them the world then turn transform into some sick animal putting another human beings into SHOCK. he should be stripped of his badge and rank he is threat and predator to his community and this sick man actually gets PAID for his fake pillar to the community he does? Women call upon this man who have been raped and beaten when HE himself does the very same thing, what a sick joke, what a travesty to have a man represent your community as a Sheriff as he plots and plans and calculates to destroy decent human beings in his private life. I wonder if his captain would like to hear the messages he leaves on my phone that I still keep telling me how he wants to see me raped and held down by two men as he gets off and watches? Yes Claudia I have kept some of his messages one day it might just save my ass if he tries to destroy my life again, its the ONLY proof I have that he is sick and perverted and EVIL. I would like him to try hiding behind that badge then. Linda

  36. Linda, it looks like he did want to corrupt you and, fortunately, it didn’t work. Usually psychopaths have different women for different functions: some for money and keeping up the mask of normalcy; others for sex; yet others for emotional and sexual dominance, kind of like a sex slave, only in some ways worse, because it’s an emotional dominance as well. It seems that this is what your psychopath wanted from you. That’s what the psychopath I was with wanted from me as well: to humiliate me and sexually and emotionally dominate me to the point of destruction. Fortunately, their plans didn’t work since we’re not the type of women to be dominated. Claudia

  37. Ok, I need some help….. from anyone….”Where are the Good Guys” ……. I stopped looking but they seem to find me. I have been hit on by Pastors, born-again Christian men, deacons of the church, doctors, lawyers, dentist, athletics, business men, politicians, carpenters, players and even one woman…….I have mostly walked away. I am not totally guillbile or naive about people or life, but I feel like I have a “Neon Sign” on my forehead, “Psychos Wanted.”

    My son doesn’t understand why I don’t have a male companion or have remained single for so many years. I have lived a good middle class life and don’t have many regrets, because I learned alot.

    I exercise, try to eat right…..reach out to others, so what am I doing so wrong…..Trouble just seems to find me…….I truly hope that this last “Sicko” is my last……Any and all comments, suggestions are welcome.

  38. Donna, it’s definitely about character not profession, since disordered or just sleazy men can be in any profession, as you know. Also, I wouldn’t trust dating websites since they are the playground for social predators (although I’m sure there are many decent men on those, but they’re more difficult to find). I’d trust a little more websites devoted to those who share similar interests. My husband’s cousin met her partner that way. Also, what about meeting single guys through your friends, or friends of friends? That’s the more old-fashioned way but it often works. But definitely don’t give up, since there are many decent single guys out there. Claudia

  39. Thank you Claudia, and I agree “character” is the key element. I do look at websites, but I don’t participate lol. So many appear to be only looking for a ” bedroom buddy”. So many of my close attractive, smart girlfriends are in the same boat as me. It’s just very sad.

    My son is funny he keeps telling me he’s going to hook me up on a date, but he secretly wishes I had given his narc/father another chance. My exhusband got to many chances before I made my plan to get out. However, I got a good son out of that union.

    I even had another male friend tell me to take different routes home, go to different stores, visit different openings and happenings where my interests lies. (He was a Player, but he liked me as a person). I am not a quiter, I just get frustrated…..

  40. Donna, I can understand your frustration. I would let your family members and trustworthy friends know are open to the possibility of dating again, so maybe they can arrange some get-togethers, without any pressure on anyone. On dating websites like eharmony there can be some decent guys, but you have to sift out the disordered personalities and the guys just looking for a good time. I think the best bet is going to some kind of activity or social group based on common interests where you can meet people in general, including men of course. Claudia

  41. Donna,

    Well, my opinion (and it’s only my opinion, as the decision is ultimately yours), is that loneliness can attract psychopaths aplenty. I don”t even think we realize that we give off vibes of this, but we often do. You don’t have to be messed up or unhealthy, just lonely. I know someone who was almost taken by my last ex P boyfriend simply because she was lonely. But she saw the signs of his pathology and with my assistance in telling her what he was, she bailed. It was an eye opener for her.

    Dating websites: NO BUENO! My ex bf just found his new wife on that site. It is extremely dangerous and I would NOT advise it.

    I think claudia’s idea of meeting men who live near you or are in social networks that are up close and personal is better than a dating website, but still you have to be cautious and mindful of loneliness. I think mindfulness is going to be key in creating a new relationship with someone else. Of yourself AND loneliness.

    Kelli

  42. Kelli, thank you for your reply. At 62 I am well aware of the dangers of cyberspace and dating websites. I am not naive or guillable about the games and the conning ways of men, nor am I desperate to have a man in my life. I know my values and my self worth. I have been a solo independent lady for a long time and I’m sure it probably shows, but I will not settle.

    I got duped by a sick Psycho that pretended to be my sincere friend. He lost, not me, but then again he doesn’t care about anyone but himself. Donna

  43. Kelli and Donna, I just wrote a post, called Perfect love is a Fraud, about the lure of disordered personalities. I think if you’re cautious and aren’t expecting instant connection and a perfect imperfection you will be a lot safer and recognize better red flags in romantic relationships, no matter how or where you find them. But I agree, of course, with Kelli that dating websites are a potentially dangerous way to meet romantic partners. Claudia

  44. Hi Linda, I too, was conned into becoming the Psychopath’s sex slave. It was his sole intention with me (along with power and control of mind, of course)…until he came up with a scheme to use me to make him (and his family) money, through business dealings. He is lazy, hates to put effort into anything besides working “the con”, and he schemes and devises ways in which to make money for himself by using others, as what he now apparently calls his “cash-cows”. For almost the entire time we were together, however, it was all about sex, exclusively. You are not alone…

    Sending best wishes your way…

    Cherie

  45. Hi Cherie: Glad you shared this with me, its a horrible experience to be viewed for just sex, I would have loved to maybe read the newspaper with the freak just ONCE, or saw a movie or had a cup of coffee with him but most of our time together was spent laying down, it took me a LONG LONG time to get through believing I was a whore and only good for one thing, even the phone interaction always about sex the bastard didnt even know what my hobbies were, he probably thought they were giving him oral pleasure, I was a music major and one time I called him on his birthday and wanted to play happy birthday for him on the piano he said, No thats ok, no thanks. I told him, oh I see you would rather me just say something dirty I imagine and he hung up. God forbid if he saw any of my true gifts and talents he just wanted to see me as his sex slave – if I played the piano that would make him look bad and we cant have that. They are sick and quite frankly BORING – no wonder sex is a total turn off for me now because he totally distorted my perception of myself sexually I am working on that perception and trying to get healthy again x00x0 Linda

  46. claudia is there a way I can private message you? Thank you Linda

  47. Linda, yes, I’ll write you an email at the address I see online that will give you my email. Claudia

  48. Claudia Thanks I will wait for a message

  49. Linda, I already sent it to you at the email that shows up on this blog. Claudia

  50. Linda, your experience with exP is almost identical to mine and I found it really triggered a lot of feelings I experienced.. mainly the shock and horror when i realized he was a sick twisted con man, had lied to me, betrayed me when he D&D me towards the end. He told me for years i was his perfect ideal designer woman, perfect in every way, his dream, begged me for another chance as we had been apart for several yrs. He had gone bk to his wife( for the sake of their chn) he’d been seperated from her whn we got together( they’re now divorced. In less than a yr he left exwife with 5 chn!!!!!, pursued me relentlessly, proposed to me, raped me when i was semi conscious,lied raged and dumped me when i told him it was rape…. But the new romance with him, the proposal of marriage with me all turned to custard when he decided he wanted me plus be able to flirt and play me off aginst other younger women.. I’m early 50s but still am very fit, in good shape.. he Lied, raged, showed NO empathy, not one ounce, to me over a miscarriage some yrs ago….
    It is morning here and I am keeping a lid on my emotions but when I am ready I’ll express the utter hell I have also experienced like so many of you on this forum.Jean


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