The Insatiable Longing for Love

Psychopathic seducers, as social predators, target countless victims. But they attach like parasites, for a long time, to comparatively few: only to their most promising hosts. I think that promising victims give off a scent of vulnerability, of unfulfilled desires that are perfect lures for pathologicals in need of control.  However many women they seduce and conquer; however many individuals they con; however much power they acquire, they still aren’t satisfied and need more. That’s because, emotionally, psychopaths are hollow human beings. The emotions, caring, money and time anyone pours into them seeps through them like through a bottomless hole.

Narcissists are very similar psychologically, only instead of control what they desire even more is validation. Narcissistic personalities often become famous artists, writers, scholars, movie producers or politicians. They have the drive and dedication to get to the top, but their thirst for validation is far greater than their periodic success. It is only temporarily satisfied and, in some respects, fundamentally unachievable. Success is fleeting and being at the top of the charts–be it as a singer, producer or best-selling writer–quickly turns into yesterday’s news. Narcissistic individuals often end up in an endless rat race, spinning in place, both emotionally and psychologically, no matter how rich or famous they become.

But even those of us who are neither psychopaths nor narcissists, which is to say, even more or less normal human beings experience an insatiable longing: the insatiable longing for love. This is what I describe in my new novel, The Seducer, through the character of Ana, modeled after my favorite heroine by the same name from Tolstoy‘s novel, Anna Karenina (which, incidentally, remains very relevant and is being launched soon as a film starting Keira Knigthley).  If some of us are tempted to cheat on or deceive those we love; if we are lured by the temptation of instant passion, happiness and commitment promised by dangerous social predators, it’s because within us, someplace, somehow, there’s an insatiable longing for love. This need can be a wound from previous betrayals or trauma, or simply an unrealistic, fantasy-driven yearning that can’t be fulfilled in reality.

Real love takes patience, constant nurturing and work. It depends on commitment and strength. It sometimes takes self-sacrifice. Psychopaths can tempt us with instant fulfillment, instant commitment, instant passionate love that require no work, because we’re “meant for each other,” because this is “the love of our lives”. This promise is not only a false and dangerous illusion, but also rests upon a fundamental repudiation of true love and of reality, flaws and all.

In my novel The Seducer I attempted to offer a psychologically accurate and in-depth sketch of three common forms of emotional insatiability: 1) the insatiable need for control and power over women of Michael, the psychopath; 2) the insatiable need for validation that keeps Karen, his needy and narcissistic fiancee, indefinitely caught in his clutches, and 3) the insatiable need for love of Ana, who represents the force, the need, the empty part that propels each and every victim into the arms of a dangerous social predator.

Any woman can become a tragic heroine like Ana if she gives in to a secret longing that has no realistic outlet or satisfaction. Written in the tradition of my favorite nineteenth-century novels, Anna Karenina and Madame Bovary–but with a contemporary psychological twist–The Seducer shows that true love can be found in our ordinary lives rather than in flimsy fantasies masquerading as great passions.

Claudia Moscovici, psychopathyawareness

Dangerous Liaisons: How to Identify and Escape from Psychopathic Seduction

How the Psychopath Manufactures Our Emotions by Peace

* Note: This article is written by a friend who goes by the pseudonym “Peace”

During a relationship with a psychopath, we are likely to experience a range of emotions that we’ve never felt before: extreme jealousy, neediness, rage, anxiety, paranoia, etc. After the inevitable devalue and discard, many of us blame ourselves. If only I hadn’t been so jealous, then maybe he wouldn’t have left me… If only I hadn’t been so needy, then maybe he wouldn’t have left me… If only I hadn’t been so—

Stop.

Those were not your emotions. I repeat: those were not your emotions. They were carefully manufactured by the psychopath in order to make you question your good nature. Victims are often of the mentality that they can forgive, understand and absorb all of the problems in a relationship. Essentially, they checkmate themselves by constantly trying to rationalize the abuser’s completely irrational behavior.

For example, most us probably didn’t consider ourselves to be jealous people before we met the psychopath. We might have even taken pride in being exceptionally easy-going and open-minded.  The psychopath sees this and knows how to exploit it. During the idealize phase, he draws us in by flattering those traits—he just can’t believe how perfect you are. The two of you never fight. There’s never any drama. You’re so relaxed compared to his crazy, evil ex!

But behind the scenes, something else is going on. Psychopaths become bored very easily, and the idealize phase is only fun until he has you hooked. Once that happens, these strengths of yours become vulnerabilities that he uses against you. He begins to inject as much drama into the relationship as he possibly can, throwing us into impossible situations and then judging us for reacting to them.

Most people would agree that jealousy is toxic in a relationship. But there’s a huge difference between true jealousy and the psychopath’s manufactured jealousy.

Take the following two conversations:

Case 1:

Boyfriend: Hey, my old high-school friend is coming into town if you’d like to meet her!

Girlfriend: No! Why do you need other female friends? You have me.

In this case, the girlfriend truly seems to have some jealousy issues that need to be addressed. Assuming he hasn’t abused her in the past, this is an inappropriate display of jealousy.

Case 2:

Boyfriend: My ex is coming into town. You know, the crazy abusive one who’s still completely obsessed with me.

Girlfriend: Oh, I’m sorry to hear that!

Boyfriend: We’re probably going to meet up later for drinks. She always hits on me when she drinks.

Girlfriend: I’m confused. Could we talk about this in person?

Boyfriend: You have a problem with it?

Girlfriend: Nope! No problem. I guess I was just a little confused since you said she abused you. But I hope things go well! It’s nice when exes are able to be friends.

Boyfriend: Jesus Christ, you’re so jealous sometimes.

Girlfriend: I’m sorry, I’m not trying to be jealous. I was just confused at first. Maybe we could talk about it in person?

Boyfriend: Your jealousy is ruining our relationship and creating so much unnecessary drama.

Girlfriend: I’m sorry! We don’t have to talk about it in person. I really didn’t mean to come across that way.

Boyfriend: It’s fine, I forgive you. We’ll just have to work through your jealousy issues.

 In this case, the psychopath did three things: 1) Put the victim in an impossible situation that would make any human being jealous, especially after talking about how crazy the ex is. 2) Accused the victim of being jealous, even though the victim tried to respond reasonably. 3) Played “good guy” by offering to forgive her for a problem that he created in the first place. This places him in his favorite role of teacher vs. student.

The longer this abuse occurs, the more we begin to wonder if we actually have a jealousy problem.

And it’s not just limited to jealousy. To offer another example, many of us may begin to feel needy and clingy during the relationships with the psychopath. But again, it’s all manufactured. Who was the one who initiated the constant conversation and attention in the first place? It was him. Once he’s bored, he will start to lash out at us for trying to continue practices that he initiated.

Again, most people would agree that neediness is toxic in a relationship. But there’s a huge difference between true neediness and the psychopath’s manufactured neediness.

Case 1:

Boyfriend: Hey, I won’t be around tonight because my grandmother wants to get dinner. Sorry!

Girlfriend: Oh my god, I haven’t seen you in three hours. This is getting ridiculous. You better text me the entire time.

In this case, the girlfriend truly seems to have some neediness issues that need to be addressed. Assuming he hasn’t abused her in the past, this is an inappropriate display of neediness.

Case 2:

Girlfriend: Hi, I haven’t heard from you in three days. Just want to make sure you’re doing okay.

Boyfriend: Jesus Christ, I have a life outside of you, you know.

Girlfriend: I know, I was just sort of confused because I’m used to hearing from you every day.

Boyfriend: You’re so needy. I have important things to do and I can’t just drop everything to text you.

Girlfriend: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to sound needy. It was the first text I’ve sent in three days.

Boyfriend: I can’t deal with this. I’ve never met someone so needy in my life.

Girlfriend: I’m really sorry! I won’t bother you again.

Boyfriend: It’s fine, I forgive you. We’ll just have to work through your neediness issues.

Once again… In this case, the psychopath did three things: 1) Put the victim in an impossible situation that would make any human being needy, especially after the constant attention in the idealize phase. 2) Accused the victim of being needy, even though the victim tried to respond reasonably. 3) Played “good guy” by offering to forgive her for a problem that he created in the first place. This places him in his favorite role of teacher vs. student.

The longer this abuse occurs, the more we begin to wonder if we are actually needy people.

We must understand that in loving, healthy relationships, no one would ever put us in these situations in the first place. Our boundaries were put to the test, and we did the absolute best we could, given the circumstances. In the future, we should never allow someone to tell us who we are or what we feel. Happy Healing to all!

Don’t Give the Psychopath too Much Importance

Lurking in the Shadows

As absolute narcissists, all psychopaths think they’re extremely important. To them, the universe revolves around them and their needs. Everyone around them is either a target they will try to use to fulfill those needs or an obstacle to be eliminated in the pursuit of what they desire. For this reason, psychopaths surround themselves with individuals they can manipulate and brainwash, who idolize them. This not only gives them tools to machinate against others, but also supports the narcissistic bubble, sustaining their false sense of importance.

Imagine that you were raised by such a psychopath in a place where you weren’t allowed out of your house, you weren’t allowed to have friends, exchange opinions, learn, interact with others. Then the tyrant who raised you would assume the utmost importance, no matter how pathetic and insignificant he was in any objective sense. The psychology of cult followers and of those imprisoned by a psychopath has some similarities, particularly in the importance the psychopath assumes in their lives.

For cult followers or anyone who worships a psychopath, this importance seems to be a positive force: they have someone they consider superior to others, who makes them feel “special” and “superior” as well, by association. For those held prisoner by a psychopath, this importance is magnified by fear. In both cases, however, it is exaggerated and out of touch with reality: it is carefully created by the psychopath through brainwashing, intimidation tactics and isolation. For a very interesting and vivid account of how this happens, please see Jaycee Dugard’s account of her imprisonment by a pathological couple:

When their targets no longer idolize them or fulfill their demands, psychopaths often retaliate. They can’t tolerate when anyone bursts the artificial bubble of their complete and utter narcissism.  Psychopaths are bullies. They often resort to intimidation tactics, such as stalking and cyberstalking, smear campaigns and various other machinations. Some former victims feel genuinely terrorized by them and live in a state of fear or even paranoia. They give them a power that they don’t deserve. This is not to say that you shouldn’t take the psychopath’s stalking seriously. Record every incident; report it to the authorities; take actions to protect yourself and your loved ones. However, don’t live in the shadow of the psychopath’s inflated ego or in fear of him. My friend and fellow writer, Sarah Strudwick, recently wrote an excellent article about this. She too has been cyberstalked by her psychopathic ex, but learned how to work through–and move beyond–the trauma, the anger and the fears that this experience has caused.

I recall moments during my childhood when I’d go to bed and  my toys would create scary, large and looming shadows on the wall. The toys that seemed so benign during the day sometimes became frightening during the night. In a way, that’s what psychopaths attempt to do to victims who reject them; to those who do not sustain their distorted, inflated egos. They  project scary, larger-than-life shadows through various tactics intended to intimidate and menace. Take their actions seriously, but not the psychopaths.

Psychopaths are trivial human beings. They don’t have any real human relationships and they don’t accomplish any constructive goals, except as a false mask. When you see the psychopath for what he is–a pathetic, insignificant human being–you cut him down to size. Don’t give the psychopath too much importance because, in reality, he has none.

Claudia Moscovici, psychopathyawareness

Dangerous Liaisons: How to Identify and Escape from Psychopathic Seduction

My Interview about Psychopathy and Books in Celebrity Dialogue

Claudia Moscovici: Novelist, Non-Fiction Author & Art Critic PDF Print E-mail
March 11th, 2012
Interview of Claudia Moscovici on CelebrityDialgoue.com
Claudia Moscovici is an American Romanian Novelist, non-fiction author and art critic. Her latest novel “The Seducer” is a psychological story of a married woman trapped in the love of an unassuming psychopath. Claudia is the author of “Velvet Totalitarianism,” a critically acclaimed novel about a Romanian family’s survival in an oppressive communist regime due to the strength of their love.

CelebrityDialogue: What is the basic plot of your latest novel “The Seducer”?

Claudia: “The Seducer,” my new psychological thriller, shows both the hypnotic appeal and the deadly danger of psychopathic seduction. This novel traces the downfall of a married woman, Ana, who, feeling trapped in a lackluster marriage, has a torrid affair with Michael, a man who initially seems to be her soul mate and her dream come true. Although initially torn between love for her family and her passion for Michael, Ana eventually gives in to her lover’s pressure and asks her husband for divorce. That’s when Michael’s “mask of sanity” unpeels to reveal the monstrously selfish psychopath underneath. Written in the tradition of Tolstoy’s “Anna Karenina,” my novel shows that true love can be found in our ordinary lives and relationships rather than in flimsy fantasies masquerading as great passions.
CelebrityDialogue: What inspired you to write this novel?

Claudia: I have always been a big fan of nineteenth-century fiction that focuses on the theme of seduction: I’m thinking of classic novels like Tolstoy’s “Anna Karenina” and Flaubert’s “Madame Bovary”. I also read with great interest the libertine novel tradition of the eighteenth-century: my favorite in this genre being Laclos’ epistolary novel, “Dangerous Liaisons”. I think in his depiction of Valmont, Laclos gets the seducer profile exactly right: he is a dangerous psychopath—essentially a social predator who plays games with the lives of others, having malicious fun at their expense– rather than a libertine maverick (as in Casanova) or a tragic romantic hero (as in Tolstoy). I did four years of psychology research of the most dangerous personality disorders—psychopathy and narcissism—to create a realistic and up-to-date psychological profile of the seducer in my new novel by the same name.
CelebrityDialogue: Would you like to introduce our readers to a non-fiction book, “Dangerous Liaisons”, that you wrote in 2011?

Claudia: Although the theme of psychopathy comes up mostly when we hear about (psychopathic) serial killers, it is actually much more commonplace and pervasive, in both fact and fiction. What do O. J. Simpson, Scott Peterson and the timeless seducers of literature epitomized by the figures of Don Juan and Casanova have in common? They are charismatic, glib and seductive men who also embody the most dangerous human qualities: a breathtaking callousness, shallowness of emotion and the incapacity to love. In other words, these men are psychopaths. Unfortunately, most psychopaths don’t advertise themselves as heartless social predators. They come across as charming, intelligent, friendly, generous, romantic and kind. Through their believable “mask of sanity,” they lure many of us into their dangerous nets. My nonfiction book, “Dangerous Liaisons,” explains clearly, for a general audience, what psychopaths are, why they act the way they do, how they attract us and whom they tend to target. Above all, this book helps victims find the strength to end their toxic relationships with psychopaths and move on, stronger and wiser, with the rest of their lives.

Bookmark and Share
CelebrityDialogue: What exactly is psychopathic seduction?

Claudia: Psychopathic seduction happens when someone is seduced (targeted, lured with false promises or under false premises, deceived, manipulated, isolated and brainwashed) by a psychopathic social predator. Psychopaths are far more common than one thinks. Experts estimate that between 1 and 4 percent of the population is psychopathic. This means that there are millions of psychopaths in the United States alone. The influence of these very dangerous individuals extends far beyond this percentage however. Psychopaths are generally very sociable, highly promiscuous and con countless people: sexually, emotionally and/or financially. They poison tens of millions of lives in this country and far more, of course, internationally.

Claudia Moscovici The Seducer

CelebrityDialogue: Your novel “Velvet Totalitarianism” is about a Romanian family’s survival against communist regime. Since you have Romanian roots, did any true life events prompt you to write this novel?

Claudia: “Velvet Totalitarianism”, which was recently launched in Romanian translation (“Intre Doua Lumi,” Curtea Veche Publishing, 2011), is inspired in part by events in Romanian history as well as by elements from my life and my parents’ lives: including my father’s defection to the U.S., our dealings with the Securitate and our immigration. Nevertheless, I fictionalized both the historical and the biographical elements to give the novel a tighter and more dramatic structure.
CelebrityDialogue: You must have felt proud when this novel was published in Romanian language?

Claudia: I was delighted that “Velvet Totalitarianism” was published in Romania, both because it was written about the history and struggles of the Romanian people and because I have a sentimental attachment and cultural ties to my native country. I was especially happy to see how well-received the novel in translation (“Intre Doua Lumi”) was by the mainstream media in Romania, where it was featured not only in literary and culture magazines such as Scrisul Romanesc and Viata Romaneasca, but also in Forbes.ro, women’s glossy magazines (such as Revista Avantaje), and general interest blogs like Catchy.ro and VIP.net. Since I aspire to being a public writer and intellectual, I wish to reach a wide community of readers, internationally.
CelebrityDialogue: Which are your other major published works?

Claudia: I have published several scholarly books, but I’d consider “major” works only those books that I wrote for a general audience. These include my art criticism book “Romanticism and Postromanticism”, on the Romantic tradition in art and literature and its postromantic survival; my novels “Velvet Totalitarianism” and “The Seducer”, and my psychology book about psychopaths and dangerous relationships, “Dangerous Liaisons”.
CelebrityDialogue: You are the co-founder of” Postromanticism”. For those who may not know, please shed some light on this movement.

Claudia: I believe that art movements are not only diachronic, emerging one after the other, as they tend to be taught in art history, but also synchronic, in that each new art movement borrows from many aesthetic traditions of the past. Postromanticism, the international art movement I co-launched in 2002 with the Mexican sculptor Leonardo Pereznieto, is no exception. It is inspired by several traditions in art history, including Neoclassicism, Romanticism and art nouveau. Postromanticism places emphasis upon beauty, sensuality and passion in contemporary art. You can see samples of postromantic art on my website, http://postromanticism.com.
CelebrityDialogue: Since you write about love, beauty and passion, what does love mean to you in real life? Were you able to find love in your life?

Claudia: Being a novelist and art/literary critic, for many years I looked mostly at fantasy—since, after all, that’s what art and fiction are–to describe love as a romantic ideal rather than as a daily lived reality. But for the past few years, particularly after studying personality disorders, I have come to appreciate much more the pragmatic and ethical dimensions of real love. To me, love implies mutual commitment, supporting one another through thick and thin, fidelity and caring about one another: everything that the wedding vows promise and that my wonderful and supportive husband, Dan Troyka, has offered me in real life for over 20 years, since we met and fell in love in college.
CelebrityDialogue: What are you working on these days?

Claudia: Since my interests are in several fields—fiction, art and psychology—I always work at several projects simultaneously. This “multitasking” keeps me from becoming bored with any one subject or stuck in a rut creatively. Right now I’m researching the psychology of cults, which will be the subject of my third novel, “The Cult”. Since cult leaders are often charismatic psychopaths, this novel will incorporate a lot of the research I’ve already done to write “The Seducer” and “Dangerous Liaisons”. In addition, I have just finished writing the preface for an exciting new science fiction novel called “The Cube”, written in the tradition of Huxley’s “Brave New World” and Orwell’s “1984”, which will be published by my publisher in a few months. At the same time, I’m working closely with the Romanian-born movie producer Bernard Salzman, whom you’ve already interviewed in Celebrity Dialogue, on the screenplay for my first novel, “Velvet Totalitarianism”. Hopefully this will be an American-Romanian production, since a large part of the plot takes place in Romania. I also continue with my art criticism and am preparing for the launch of “Romanticism and Postromanticism”, translated by the writer and critic Dumitru Radu Popa, in Romania next fall. It’s a Latin country so I’m hoping for a warm reception of postromanticism, the art of passion!
CelebrityDialogue: Thank you so much Claudia. It was a pleasure.

Claudia: Thank you for this interview, the pleasure was mine.

Claudia Moscovici, psychopathyawareness

Dangerous Liaisons: How to Identify and Escape from Psychopathic Seduction

 

Psychopaths and Justice: As you make your bed so you must lie in it

After the psychopathic bond is over and long after they realize they’ve been duped by a vicious individual, victims are left with a deep sense of betrayal and a lot of anger. One of the things that makes victims of psychopaths most angry is the sense of injustice. Because, truth be told, legally speaking, psychopaths don’t always get the punishments they deserve in life. First of all, sometimes they don’t get caught for their illegal acts. It took Drew Peterson staging a car accident and nearly killing his second wife, and killing his next two wives to finally be convicted and found guilty of murder, many years later. In the meantime he played cat and mouse games with the media, the public and the police and even demanded his own radio dating show during an interview.

Fortunately, Drew Peterson is an example of a psychopath who finally got caught and punished for his crimes. But what about the many psychopaths who get away with their crimes: sometimes quite literally with murder? There has been a lot of public speculation and disappointment with the outcomes of the O. J. Simpson and Casey Anthony trials, and those are only two of the more visible ones. How many other similar cases are out there that didn’t catch the media and the general public’s attention?

And what about the millions of criminal and sub-criminal psychopaths who get away with “lesser crimes,” of duping, manipulating, stalking, raping and defrauding countless victims in ways that are less obvious or difficult to catch and prosecute? How will they pay for their crimes and other wrongdoings? What justice will their tens of millions of victims find? Are their victims, who may be out of their life savings, with broken hearts, in poor health as a result of the psychopaths’ actions to suffer from a sense of injustice and betrayal for the rest of their lives? I say: NO. Why? Because even if the psychopaths may get away with their crimes and wrongdoings from a legal standpoint, they live the kind of lives that no healthy person would ever desire. Their lives are a nightmare.

There is a universal saying we hear in many languages and cultures: As you make your bed so you must lie in it. Even without legal repercussions, psychopaths and those who collude with and support them reap what they sow in life. When you feel a sense of anger that your psychopathic ex seems to thrive in spite of how much he harmed you and others, ask yourself this question: Would YOU want his life? Ultimately, did  you choose his life or a life with him? Would you want to be in his new partner’s shoes? The answer any healthy person would give is: definitely NOT. No healthy person would want to be like a psychopath or with a psychopath.

To offer two relevant examples, since psychopaths are very often addicted to sex and power, especially when the two are combined. If the psychopath is fooling a new victim with his mask of sanity, pretending to be a caring, loving, loyal and committed family man while lying to her and sleeping around, would you want to lead this kind of double life? Would you want to be with a man who leads such a double life, lied to and cheated on by the person you love and trust? You’ve been in her shoes before and you hated that position enough to get out of the relationship. You never want to be in that situation again. You have enough self-respect that you never want to be with a partner who is so shallow, callous and duplicitous ever again. There’s nothing enviable or desirable about BEING like that or BEING WITH someone like that. As you make your bed so you must lie in it.

Suppose now that the psychopathic sex addict leads a life of overt sleaziness with his new partner. Tired of the more virtuous kind of partner from whom he must hide his true identity with all its addictions, sadism and perversions, he transitions to a partner who not only tolerates, but also gladly participates in the sleaze. Suppose they see themselves as being ahead of conventional morality; as libertine mavericks who don’t follow moral norms like sheep (see  my previous article on The Psychopath as Self-Proclaimed Maverick).

Suppose then that the psychopath and his new partner now lead a life of sleaze, of colluding against others, of luring victims, duping them, rating them, berating them, making fun of them, gossiping about them to others, using them and dumping them: all this to boost their inflated egos and to fulfill their perverse sexual fantasies. Couching their sleazy lives in terms of “libertinage” or mores that are “beyond good and evil,” they feed and mirror each other’s narcissistic delusions, engaging in all sorts of perversions: wife swapping, sex parties, group sex, adult dating websites, etc. Ask yourself: what healthy person leads such a sordid life and what healthy partner would put up with it, much less enjoy it? Underneath the mantra of libertinage what you see is a pathetic reality of two narcissistic sex addicts and social predators being each other’s sloppy 10,000 seconds and getting their jollies from preying on other people like them or, worse yet, on unsuspecting innocent victims.

When colluding with a psychopathic sexual predator even willing victims get pimped, swapped, gang banged and debased no matter what pseudo-philosophical or pseudo-literary justifications the psychopath offers for such sleazy and perverted ways. Eventually even their sleaziest partners get used up and tossed away by the psychopath like dirty condoms, when their use value is gone or when a a better target or opportunity comes up.  As you make your bed, so you must lie in it. And if you choose to lie next to a psychopathic partner, then you will eventually wake up next to an individual who uses you, demeans you under the guise of compatibility and love and who will one day callously toss you away to replace you with a new trophy.

Either way you look at it–being a Loser or being with a Loser (or both!)–you lose.  Sure, we’d love to see the psychopaths land in jail for the financial fraud, statutory rape, professional violations, prostitution, drug dealing, date rape, and other illegal and immoral acts they commit. But keep in mind that psychopaths and their supporters DO get justice even if they don’t get punished legally for their crimes and immoral acts. Why? Because they lead the kinds of lives that any normal and healthy person would consider a punishment in itself: their reality is a nightmare. 

Claudia Moscovici, psychopathyawareness

Dangerous Liaisons: How to Identify and Escape from Psychopathic Seduction

The Psychopath’s Bait and Switch

Psychopaths notoriously promise you the moon and deliver… nothing. They target victims who are vulnerable: feeling vulnerable as well as being vulnerable to flattery. They love bomb their new targets: showering them with attention, loving words, promises and gifts. They’re ready to commit instantly, saying that they finally found the soul mates they had been looking for all their lives. Although such behavior may seem positive, as I explained in my earlier article about the red flags of a psychopathic bond, it is actually, all too often, a predator’s lure.

This is how psychopaths attract new victims and make them feel wanted, loved and safe. If this behavior were genuine and consistent, psychopaths would be ideal partners. Unfortunately, it’s not. The flattery, attention, affection, sex and sensuality, gifts, promises of commitment all constitute the psychopath’s bait. Wait a few months, and you’ll begin to notice the switch.

As Sandra Brown M.A. notes in Women Who Love Psychopaths, the switch happens precisely when the victim begins to trust the psychopath and has emotionally bonded with him. Once the psychopath intuitively senses that you have fallen in love with him, believe his lies and false promises, need him and have begun to organize your daily life around the relationship with him, he begins to switch his behavior and enters the manipulation phase of the relationship. By then the idealization phase is over–forever–and you’ll only see again brief glimpses of it, especially when he senses that you are withdrawing from him.

He will start to demand more and more from you and reward you less and less with the phony romantic behavior you enjoyed in the beginning of the relationship. He will ask for more sacrifices of your emotional energy and time (isolating you from loved ones and discouraging your professional endeavors), more commitment, more sexual transgressions, or more money: all depending on what he wanted from the relationship. But the bottom line is that psychopaths enter relationships to use others and to gain control.

So even if what he wanted initially was money, or sex–or whatever else–ultimately he wants nothing less than to control and destroy you. That is, psychopaths use the bait and switch to get everything from you and leave you a shell of the person you once were. If you leave when you begin to notice red flags and inconsistent behavior, you have a chance to escape from the psychopathic bond more or less intact. If you don’t, you risk losing everything you hold dear and, more importantly, who you are.

Claudia Moscovici, psychopathyawareness

Dangerous Liaisons: How to Identify and Escape from Psychopathic Seduction